While I'm waiting.

"While I'm waiting I will serve you"

Pslams 27:14 

I've always thought waiting in a doctor's office was extremely annoying. The older I get the more I've got 'use' to all the people crowning around waiting on the same doctor I am. This time is different for me though. This time the waiting is longer then any waiting period I've ever experienced. See, I've had this mindset that while I wait I will serve Jesus. 

   In every single speech therapy appointment to every difficult day both physically and emotionally that my health has brought. 

Those times where the "H" sound doesn't come out.

Those times where reading a children's book out loud becomes the biggest struggle.

Those times where I say over and over again "I'm 25 years old and I SHOULD be able to do this but I can't."

If Blake, Haley, and Amanda got paid for every time I've said that they would be rich speech pathologist! 

I am so thankful for their patience, love, support, and oohhhh their loud excitement when I accomplish the "S" sound or get through a children's book! 

Meet Haley and Amanda. Blake is MIA. 

The waiting seems so long. Tuesday so near but oh so far! 

With medication trials being finished. The only thing left on our journey is to see a neurosurgeon Tuesday.

That in it's self has been one of the most difficult decisions.

My heart is overwhelmed right now.

Overwhelmed that my plans just might not be God's plans.

And I have to somehow be ok with that. 

Be ok with right now it's hard but one day his plan will be shown to me.

That every single doctor's appointment, heartbreak, and disappointment was all part of his precious plan for my life.    

Serving Jesus in the hallway is really very difficult. 

As this week we lost my beautiful cousin whom was only 17 years old. 

I was forced to realize that life is short.

Life is really short.

Heaven became a little closer then I ever had thought it to be. 

Our stay on this earth isn't for long.

Heaven gets sweeter each day to me.

No more sickness.

No more heartbreak.

That alone has my full attention.

Knowing that this life isn't forever, dystonia isn't forever, the medical bills, the tests, isn't forever makes my heart long for Heaven even more. 

While the waiting is tough 

While the unknown answers are heartbreaking 

And trust me my heart is heavy today

I know that one day all this unknown, waiting, scary feelings will soon make scene. 

As I know that these upcoming days maybe tough.

And while I might want to give up, quit speech, I also know I've worked way to hard to walk away even while my heart might break even more soon. 

A simulator or no simulator it's a scary journey.

Either direction will be a rough one.

But even in the mist of heart break, and hurting I will serve him.

I will.

I have these precious children to teach that just because life is hard 

You don't give up.   

So while I'm waiting I will serve you with all of my heart Lord.

And if you never give us a 'go' for a simulator then I will still serve you.

I will still love you.

And love that cross where your blood was shed for me.

Stay near to me as this week is quickly approaching. 

When I gave my life to you I also gave my broken hurting heart to you as well.

The answer is:

Yes. 

Yes. I will.